I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
