Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
