drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
