So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
