I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
