So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
