Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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