grandma shit on top of the toilet
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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