how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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