Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
MIDGETS
????
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
