I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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