I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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