what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
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My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
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You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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