Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
