Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
