im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
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I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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