i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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