If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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