I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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