so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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