His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
