This house was built for laser tag.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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