We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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