He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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