if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
