She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
