That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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