Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
