I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My cat gives me a boner
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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