Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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