Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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