So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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