Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
