if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
