So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
