People in love make me want to vomit
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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