I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
