Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
