I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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