Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
