I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
