I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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