that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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