I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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