he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So squirting runs in the family.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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