o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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