my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
