So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just googled if crying burns calories
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
