be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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