I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
