So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So apparently I’m into choking now
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