Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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