Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize