Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
So squirting runs in the family.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
