I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
