How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
