i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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