I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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